Shattered Soul

I was looking through old note books the other day. ( I never throw them away anymore. I used to and lost a lot of material) Most are full of all sorts of things. And … a lot of unfinished poems, and drafts of poems that I have finished. I realized

Firstly that I need to write long hand to be creative. I cannot write directly onto the computer

Secondly that there is a lot of good and some really bad material that I either need to throw away or to complete.


I found the two pieces below in the same book on two different pages. For the life of me I cannot remember when I wrote them, after my brother’s death or after my mother’s death.

They are pretty rough, not proofed at all. More a scrambling of thoughts, and both stop abruptly as if I could not finish them. It’s very painful reading them, and I am awake at 3.30am so not really coherent, but I feel the need to share them:

Shattered Soul

The news imparted
for an instant the world stands still
all life suspended, a nothing, a void

Soul shatters like glass
peace and calm hover briefly then
beat a hasty retreat never to be seen again
then the senses crowd in,
bereavement, resentment,
the beginning of pain

You begin to feel, oh how you
begin to feel, from deep down within
the very depths of your soul, that
which is the well-spring of you,
the pain starts to scream it’s way up out of you

And the world as you know it is change forever

……………………………………………………………………………………..
……………………………………………………………………………………..

And sometimes in the middle of the night
when the pain is too much to bare
I cast off my shackles, let loose my soul
to pretend that you’re still here

still here that is, in body
and not ashes blowing in the wind

In mind you’re with me always
part of everything I do
there isn’t a thought I have or action I take
that doesn’t belong in part to you

Kid's Birthday Parties - Can one avoid the expense?

My youngest niece Erin (My sister's daughter) turned 7 this Saturday just past. We decided to to save expenses by having the party at home, instead of either hiring a venue or going to a kid's theme restaurant etc.

The theme was "funky" witches and wizards. We baked and decorated the cake ourselves, we made up our own party packs, entertainment came courtesy of them playing good old fashioned games (admittedly with prizes) instead of them having magicians and jumping castles etc. They all loved this!!

All in all it was a total success and a marvellous day, but it still ended up costing us an arm and a leg!

We don't regret or begrudge the the party at all. We are all in agreement that until the next big milestones such as becoming a teenager, sweet sixteen etc , this will be her last "big" party. For the next couple of years she can take a couple of select friends to the movies or to eat out etc!

I am just awed at the expense of it all. We have always vowed not to be competitive in the party stakes and believe you me it is very competitive and mothers do anything to try and throw the best party for their kids. That aside, the cost is incredible. One can no longer claim (as I had naively thought) that "we can do it at home for much cheaper" ... that is just not the case!

Whilst on the subject, I am also amazed at the inconsiderate behaviour of parents. Some just never bothered to RSVP and the kids pitched. Some did RSVP, but kids didn't pitch and we never received phone calls to apologize. One mother insisted that if her older daughter was not allowed to come then the younger one ( my niece's friend) could not either as it would not be fair on the older child!

Parents came with their kids ('spose still to be expected with little ones, and we had catered for this) and then sat apart in little huddles and just chatted to select people, whilst ignoring the rest. Some even totally ignoring their ittle darlings too!

Then of course there were the real gems, the parents who arrived and basically rolled their sleeves up and asked how they could help!

I suppose one could well say that the party was a synopsis if you like, a microcosm of people and the world and how we inter relate and interact! If were to go into an in-depth analysis, one could even pick out distinct personality types etc!
But I won't (grin)

It was a good party in the end and the most important thing was that our little princess had an amazing time!

Have to admit that Mummy and Auntie had a whole lot of fun dressing up too!

Pictures will follow!

Bureaucracy and complaisancy - I despare!

You will probably find the topic of complaisant people especially the bureaucrats popping up quite a bit in my blog. It is something that drives me to despair!

I move house at the end of January and asked for my electricity to be read on 31 January, where after I would expect a cheque with the refund of my deposit less my last month's bill.

Six months later after numerous phone calls and emails, I decided to try one more time today to try and find out what has happened to my refund cheque.
After being put through to firstly to Malusi who put me through to Nokanye who put me through to Lucy, I finally get put through to a Mrs. Kara in consolidated billing. She at first seemed a little puzzled as to my asking her for her name and gave it rather reluctantly . After listening to my query she blithely tells me

"Oh your refund cheque for the amount of R396.01 was posted off at the end of May to the box number you gave us XXXXXXX."

Then there is silence!

ME - "Um well I haven't got it otherwise I would not be phoning you"

MRS KARA - "Oh ................................... oh gosh! can I check the postal address you gave us it was XXXXXXXX"

Me - "that is the correct address, but the cheque hasn't arrived"

MRS KARA - " OH I can't think why not".

silence .....


ME - " me neither"

more silence........................

ME - "well what are you going to do about it?"

MRS KARA - "well there is a whole process to go through, I will have to check with our audit department as to whether the cheque has been cashed or not, and only then can we decide to issue another cheque. This will take at least 24 hours before I can verify if the cheque has been cashed or not an then I will get back to you."

ME - " Will you get back to me, or do I have to phone you back?"

MRS KARA - (In her wisdom obviously because she has heard my tone of voice and I now know her name) "No I definitely will get back to you by tomorrow morning ."

Now I have to tell you that this lady has indeed got back to me. She has ascertained that the cheque has not been cashed so obviously it has gone astray, therefore they have cancelled it and she has asked the auditing department to issue me with a new cheque as a matter of urgency!

Wonderful woman, poor thing doesn't know that her name will be squirrelled away in my mind as the only helpful person to contact in the future should there be a problem.

But honestly jokes aside, why should one have to go through all this procedure? The amount is relatively small but it has taken me 6 months of emails and phone calls to try and get some kind of coherent response to my dilemma. Totally unnecessary if there were proper systems etc in place. And follow -up............

Follow-up is probably the thing that client service people, sales people etc do the least well, and it is the one single complaint that most consumers will voice.

"Nobody bothered to phone me and let me know what was happening! Nobody ever got back to me."

I am in sales and it s something that is always being thrown at me: "Oh you people never get back to us anyway."

How terrible! and if that is such a terrible problem in this world of ours, should it not be something that is honed in on and focused o and taught to kids right from primary school level upwards?

Accountability and etiquette? Would our world be a better place in general if these two simple philosophies were taught to our kids?

I wonder.......

I can't help thinking of the old nursery rhyme:

For want of a nail the shoe was lost
for want of a shoe the horse was lost
for want of horse the man was lost
for want of a man the battle was lost .........

I wonder, truly I do!

My Africa

One of my own poems!

MY AFRICA

Come to my land to feel her warmth.
Come to my land to hear her myriad voices.
Come to my land to see her many magical colours.
Africa the shape changer, the chameleon,
Africa, different things to different people
Never ever dull or commonplace.

Merge with her, become one with her
Feel her joys and her sorrows
Feed on her abundances and
Weep at her devastation and famine.
She is the mother of mankind
The cradle of civilisation.

A multi-layered lady, feel her deep rhythms
Her primordial throb as vital as a heart beat.
Hear her sound images vibrating.
Smell her odours, from the seashore
To the deserts, to the lush green rain forests,
To the high snow capped mountain ranges.

She is a wanton, fickle, ever changing mistress.
She will seduce you, draw you in and
Enslave you forever. The call of Africa is
A siren’s call, savannah lore lei.
She has bartered for the souls of mankind
Since the world evolved and time began.

The promise of land, the lure of precious
Metals and gems, the domination of the beasts,
The beckoning of vast uninhabited spaces.
Man has come to conquer her, make her his.
Instead she enters your blood like a fever,
A sickness that will never leave,

No matter how far you travel from her,
And no matter how you try to leave her behind,
Wherever you roam, she will forever more
Call to you to return to her embrace.
This Africa is life; she is the alpha and omega,
This is my Africa

© African Rose 2002

Turning 40 !

I have just been reading a friend's post ( Damaria at http://damariasenne.blogspot.com/ ) about turning forty. It lead me to reflecting about my entering my forties!

My birthday is on New Year's day. This meant that instead of always having a birthday party (as most people would think) I missed out and had two actual birthday parties that I can think of, one for my 4th birthday and one for my 21st (which I shared with the daughter of a friend of my mothers who was born on Christmas day) I also got to miss out on the experience of sharing my birthday with my school mates etc and taking cake to school as my birthday was during the holidays...

Anyway, my mother was planning a big party for my 40th, but life kind of tripped us up and threw us some very large painful curve balls. Four months before my birthday, my mother had a massive unexpected heart attack and subsequent "failed" bypass. So she was extremely ill and very frail. Then my 2nd and remaining brother (my eldest brother was killed in a car crash when I was 25) who was running his own safari business in Botswana had a botched emergency appendix operation and ended up with septicaemia and peritonitis. They really battled to save his life, but he succumbed on the 30 November, just a month after his 42nd birthday and a month before my 40th!

Needless to say in the midst of our mourning and grief, and dealing with my mother's health, my actual 40th birthday just kind of slid on by unnoticed and I for one didn't mind at all.

After my birthday however, I got to thinking. I had lost both my brothers and my darling mother had been left with a dodgy prognosis.

I grew up as a sickly very shy child, dated sporadically in my 20's and then I put myself permanently on the shelf and became this dull grey little person 'cos I had a fear of rejection, so I thought it better to totally avoid meeting people in order to prevent it happening!

I had no real life at all, I buried myself in my work, my Church and my family.

Anyway, as said my 2nd brothers death got me to thinking about just how short and unpredictable life could be, and that to avoid the chance of being hurt or rejected by life and people in general, I was just waisting my life, this gift I had been given and was too scared to use.

I kind of had an epiphany!

I decided that I had to let the real me out,the person that most people had never seen and only had the odd glimpses of, the woman that I had buried deep down inside. I was prepared to take the risk of being hurt in doing so!

I changed my life completely! I started dating ( and yes it has been a rather slippery ride ) I experimented with life in a lot of ways, going through stages and doing things I should have done and gone through in my 20's! I made a lot of mistakes and really bad choices which have had some really disastrous consequences and yes, I have been hurt.

My family too have not always been totally understanding and receptive of the "new me". My eldest niece for one, told me blatantly a couple of years back that she didn't like the new me and wanted the old one back, and I had to say " so sorry baby, she has gone forever!" You see in my non-identity / life, I only lived for and through my family and was a doormat totally at the beck and call of my family, so of course the didn't like it that part of the change was me saying "sorry can't do it, have my own things to do!"

But ...

For all that, what a glorious ride it has been and continues to be! I would take the pain of failed relationships, and jobs and mistaken decisions etc all over again to be as alive as I am now.

In my 40s I am the most mature and confident person I have ever been. I am for the most part, at last a person that I like and think is good to be around!

I don't need a specific birthday party, to celebrate me, I am doing so by just living my life

Life is life, and she can be a bitch of note at times but for the most part it is a glorious ride!

I can only wish you a wonderful glorious 40's experience Sam, and I promise to lead you astray somehow in celebration!!!!!

I think nobody can sum up better how I feel than the immortal Shel Silverstein:

"Draw a crazy picture, Write a nutty poem, Sing a mumble gumble song, Whistle through your comb. Do a loony goony dance 'cross the kitchen floor. Put something silly in the world that ain't been there before." ~Shel Silvertein ~

Why Blog?

I dunno quite frankly!

Everybody is doing it, I myself have signed on to a few sites and then got no further. However, it is in my soul to write, I have decided opinions on all matter of things and some slightly stange and some very normal viewpoints.

I also think better when I put pen to paper

My life has been such turmoil with so many things happening to me of late, that perhaps I need to use this site as a kind of repository, or "dear diary".

Whatever, I will not let this site lapse!

'til later!