SHARDS

SHARDS

Hard words like bullets hit me
Searing comments tear my skin
Mutes me , Takes away my power
Your anger flails me
With one word your scorn burns me
Knocks me to the ground
Wounds me deeply
Searing my soul
Killing me
Slowly

and it never heals

I am wound upon wound
scar upon scar, building up
layer upon hurting layer

somewhere inside deep inside
in a tiny dark little corner
my soul lies curled , furled
amoeba like

you say you know me , do you know me ?
how?
I don’t know me, I know a thousand me’s
I act
every day I act out a thousand personas
trying to find the one that fits the moment
trying to find the one that pleases the world,
you, myself, friends

sometimes I reflect back what is shown to me,
thrown at me
good or bad
aggressive or loud
weak, soft ,emotional
maybe it works better being you
if I reflect you
maybe you will like better
if I am more you than me

but these people aren’t me

they are all just shards of the mirror of me
that s fracturing with the pain of my life
my hurt , my sorrows, my tears
my wastes, my losses, my losing
my cheating myself

she’s crying out that child, that soul, that me
she’s not gone forever

I see glimpses of her all the time
when I push aside the debris

most times though I leave her be
maybe to protect her
maybe because she is so long gone
such a distant memory
that I am losing the reality of her
maybe

maybe cos I still don’t know who
I want to be when I grow up

maybe cos it’s easier to blitz out,
avoid, compartmentalize, be the me
I am in the given moment, just exist
respond / react, just do what is expected
damp down the little sparks, one moment,
over-react the next anaesthetise, avoid , procrastinate,
be mundane
just exist
just be an amoeba

so who is the amoeba now, her or me

but she won’t leave me alone this soul of mine
she has a siren’s call, this Pandora soul of mine.
She cries to me for release

do I let her out ?
do I dare

who will love her, hate her the most
you or me?

will we
can we

accept her
allow her?

do you care?

Copyright © Gillian Stokes 31 May 2009

Cannot believe it has been so long.....

So.... two years since I have blogged here! Admittedly I do have a blog on another site where I am anonymous, but it is more of a "friend/ communication medium than this with people's commentary and I always feel i am kind of writing for approval.

Of course it is nice to have feedback and commentary. I know with my writing and poetry, I enjoy the feedback of fellow writers, but this blog for me is more of a "speak my mind" and blow the consequences sort of place. Or rather that is how I am going to treat it from now on. I have a lot to say and very definite opinions about all sorts of things and I am bursting because of keeping my opinions bottled up inside me. Soooooooo

the opinionated , rubinesque, ( comes armed with a mouth and knows how to use it) terminal blond is back as I have never been before!....